Imagine that? There's some more activity going on around here. Is everyone else getting tired of the "social media" sites?
I really hope things change for the better soon. I don't know how much longer I can wear this mask of "strength".
I'm tired having to be the one that is strong for everyone else. I'm tired of everyone's woe is me and not even thinking about how I must feel or what I am going through. I'm tired of being stretched in so many different directions. Hell, I'm just tired.
In all honesty, I have no one to blame but myself. I guess that is why I let it be. I am the one that has put myself in this place. I am the one that won't make the extreme decisions to change it. But it all leads back to the, "When is enough enough?"
I could really stand a weekend away, some strong drinks and maybe more...
Out of all the times I thought life was bad, nothing compares to how I'm feeling now.
Can I have one year where Christmas doesn't suck?
Feeling like a failure in so many ways right now.
Why should I think anything would be different from being gone for 4 days and coming back?
Being in Atlanta is a bit odd. I'm in a huge city with confusing roads and unfamiliar territory. I'm also all alone here. I'm kinda glad I picked up a laptop before I left or else this would be a very drab time. I have to be up in an hour to get ready to be at my training by 8 am and I have only slept 2 hours. Maybe it's the worry of oversleeping. Maybe it's from the long sleep I had after I got in. Either way, just laying here has made me think of a few things. Of course the first being, this day is going to be long and tiring...
It's weird. I'm laying here thinking about my life currently and my life in the past. There's a couple things that are bouncing in my head. The first is I need to change myself. I need change, but I need to work on myself for that to happen. I'm stiff and tired and weak and I need to fix that. I've let myself go. It's time to fix the temple up again. And I need to increase my positive thinking. That's going to be the toughest part. It's going to require a lot of mental change. Partly, I'm working on that now. I'm trying to break the chains in my head of how I feel about myself. I'm trying to use positive thinking to increase myself through mentally telling myself I'm smart, I'm handsome, I'm liked, I'm loved and I'm strong. Every day, I'm trying to tell myself that.
The next part has to do with my every day living. To be honest, I'm not happy with my every day life. I feel burnt out by work, by every day blah and even my relationships. I've gone from feeling all alone, to being surrounded by people to feeling all alone again within 10 years. I need to change that once again. I need to figure out something active with participation nearby. I need to find my social life again and I need to just feel again.
I was also thinking about how memories are tied to senses. Certain smells give me flashbacks of previous times. Standing outside last night smelled like Daytona Beach did in the Spring at night. It pulled me back there for a bit. And earlier, I found some old pictures on my scrapbook which brought me back too. It makes me think that sometimes we need to remember the past. Not just for the feelings and memories, but for the pieces of ourselves we left back there. It sounds weird, but I kind of feel like we leave pieces of ourselves all over. And sometimes, we just need to go back or "re-live" those places to pick them up. Maybe I'm just crazy. Either way, it's time for me to pick some back up again. I don't want to live in the past and I don't really want to just live in the now. I just want to live and breath and find my happiness.
Which kinda leads to something else I was thinking about. I want to feel like I'm wanted and not needed. I think in my mind, that's the difference between healthy relationships and unhealthy ones. If you need someone, you are denying that fact that you cannot stand on your own two feet. If you want someone, than it means you enjoy being with that person and want to actually spend time with them. Or you are a stalker...
Now... Where do I start to find something to do socially around me?
I feel so lost and confused right now. And lonely.
I dreamed that all of us cousins were hanging out again in some beach side town. I think it was for a family reunion. As we were leaving, we all stopped at the foreclosed rich suburbia neighborhood that was just starting to be fixed up for sale. Morgan said that there was a good spot behind this one house for surfing. The metal fencing was bent next to the house and we squeezed through. Right behind the house was the ocean and we started to swim out with our boards.
We got out a ways before the waves actually started to move. I remember swimming over one and then turning around on the next. Taking the wave back, I remember yelling, "I'm surfing!". I got up before the end and it was the first time actually surfing. We all started to head to the side where supposedly there were some channels that were good for surfing. We got over there and it was filled with other people with the same idea.
We tried looking for another area before heading back to the vehicles.
There was a bit more detail in there, but I don't think it was too important.
And then I woke up unable to breath. Seems like the best dreams come when I am suffocating at night...
It's not the cake that's a lie. It's the American dream.